Yes Means Yes! by Jaclyn Friedman & Margaret Cho

Author:Jaclyn Friedman & Margaret Cho
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Basic Books
Published: 2019-02-11T16:00:00+00:00

Sound familiar? It’s a pretty common ideal for sexual initiation. It isn’t all fairytale, either: In the last decade I’ve worked with teens and sexuality, I’ve heard many versions of this scenario, from young women reporting what they feel and wish for, and what adults and peers tell them is a remarkably positive first time.

On the surface, it looks pretty good. The guy is a good guy. The girl wasn’t forced into anything she was opposed to or strongly did not want. They moved forward only when she gave consent, and her consent was always sought out in some way. They were safe and smart with regard to pregnancy and infections, and while it was not exactly blissful for her, it wasn’t terribly painful, either. He didn’t change his behavior toward her afterward; in fact, it made them feel closer, and they’re both glad they chose each other. It’ll be a good memory for them, whether they’re together ten years from now or not. All in all, it fits most ideals of what a positive first sexual experience should be.

But something monumental is missing from this picture.

If it takes you a minute to find what it is, don’t feel bad. After all, the missing piece isn’t just missing from this picture; it’s missing from nearly every common idea and ideal about sex and women. It’s been missing for so long, plenty of us don’t even see the giant void that sits smack in the middle of these pretty first-time fantasies.

The black hole in that scenario is her desire.

Nowhere do we see a strong, undeniable sexual desire, deep, dizzy sexual pleasure, or earnest, equal sexual satisfaction on her part. It makes no appearance in a sexual script many would posit as an ideal initiation. We heard her say yes, but we never once saw her beg the question herself. We saw her yes as the answer to someone else’s desire, rather than as an affirmation of her own. Her yes is uncertain, but sexual desire—whether or not we choose to act on it—is certain, unmistakable, and persistent.

If I’d told you that same story and swapped the roles, you might have felt like you were reading speculative fiction. If she were feeling sexually frustrated—if we thought it a given that she feels strong urges for sex (she’s a normal teenage girl, after all)—if things weren’t moving fast enough for her, if he were the reluctant or slow-moving partner, if she were the one initiating, she were getting off, he were the one who felt okay about it because at least it didn’t hurt… what planet does that happen on? We, as a culture, still tend to consider even a woman’s yes to a man’s sexual invitation revolutionary. That’s unsurprising, of course. This is a world where women still frequently are not asked for consent, are often raped or coerced, still engage in sex with partners out of feelings of duty or obligation, usually have our sexuality depicted in grossly inaccurate ways by

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